Because rumors continue to persist, I will address this matter here, and it will be the last time I address it:

I am NOT @shitdj, nor is Graham Funke.

In order to stress this fact, I will repeat it:

I am NOT @shitdj, nor is Graham Funke.

That is not to say I don’t endorse his existence; on the contrary. Much of what @shitdj says is valid, and so few in the nightlife industry speak their mind, publicly or otherwise. In this case, sometimes at the sacrifice of my reputation, @shitdj remains a mystery.

But anybody who is moderately familiar with me knows that I am not averse to administering public castigation and have aired my grievances on a number of occasions, not behind an anonymous handle but with the name StoneRokk front and center. I speak my mind openly.

To put it in layman’s terms, @shitdj is similar to Wikileaks (unknown sources) while I am like Michael Moore (publicly opinionated).

And upon this very basic notion, the question presents itself: Why does this unfounded speculation continue?

For an obvious answer, Graham Funke invokes some Quentin Taratino prose: “When you scamps [read: certain DJs] get together, you’re worse than a sewing circle.” (Pulp Fiction)

So to offer some suggestions in hopes of restoring common sense, please entertain these notions why @shitdj is NOT either of The Capts:

• We spend most of our free time working on the presentation of our brand. The product we create does not appear out of thin air or arrive by osmosis. Witness any of our projects and challenge yourself to reach those heights! Our days are filled with work and meetings, and our output and DJ schedules reflect this notion. We don’t have time to research many of the DJs that @shitdj has targeted, most of which we have never heard of, some of which we could care less about (you know who you are).
• Have a look at our travel schedule and gig routing. When do you suppose either of The Capts would be able to witness a “shit dj”? And when we do have a rare night off, what makes you think it would be spent listening to a “shit dj”? The observations of @shitdj contain privileged knowledge, meaning that @shitdj is present at said gig. We, on the other hand, would not be.
• Finally, and perhaps most importantly: If I want to say that you suck or you’re an asshole, I will just tell you. And Graham Funke just won’t say anything at all.

Yet even with these glaringly obvious reasons, there continue to be those who formulate elaborate fantasies about why it MUST be me or MUST be Graham Funke. Ironically, many of these people voice NO opposition until attention from @shitdj has befallen them personally. Recently it was suggested that @shitdj is a convenient way for The Capts to anonymously disrespect fellow SKAM Artists or close friends and peers. That’s a bold statement to make, and offensive I might add.

But whatever category one falls into, I beg that people stop insisting that either of The Capts is behind this celebrated Twitter handle. One day the identity of @shitdj may be revealed, and at that point, those pointing fingers should promptly SUCK MY COCK when they discover we’re not involved.

And again, we are not here to condemn the existence of @shitdj. I support his right to free speech, find many of his observations accurate, and frequently have a chuckle at the tweets. But it’s NOT me. And it’s NOT Graham Funke, who also has a heartfelt message in closing:

“You wanna run around, gossip, suggest that we’re @shitdj — it’s insulting. And given the chance, I will duff you out. Don’t forget what happened to Cheo H. Coker when he said the wrong things about Wu Tang Clan.”

The accusations have reached a head and needed to be addressed. Consider this matter closed.

Yours Truly,
The Captains of Industry

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5 Responses to @shitdj

  1. shitbetsy says:

    i just wanted to say
    a) i utterly adore the talented prose of stonerokk
    b) i’m not on “the scene” re: chicago meets corporate america
    c) the capts, esp stone (as i’m a friend of his), are never NOT busy on the road. all they do is travel, tweet, DJ, entertain and be awesome. all the fucking time. they eat awesome for breakfast.

  2. DJ Suhel says:

    They eat Awesome for breakfast…..I love it!!

  3. Cosmo Baker says:

    You’re NOT @shitdj? Damn, that just shattered all my illusions.

  4. morgan mcmeel says:

    I am stone and funke’s love child. Leave my two dad’s alone.Bunch of posers,dickheads.

  5. betsy says:

    morgan, we’re siblings!? are you on oprah’s show about finding your lost family? or should i sign up? i can’t believe both papas never told us. i bet you’re amazing.

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