Thanks to Kevin Capp, who is responsible for THIS awesome article, I am now a published writer.
I greatly appreciate the opportunity that K.Capp gave me, but because of my inexperience in editorial, I was not heedful of the hack job editors can, and almost always will, do to your text. Of course, as a blossoming writer, I should expect this, but anyone who knows me knows that I am not interested in helping and ONLY interested in ranting, as adduced in my original written prose, as well as the picture used for my article in Club World Magazine.
This is the aforementioned original composition:
- In 2007 I did 300+ shows and 260+ flights… I work a lot. I am the one dj’ing the Hollywood “hot spots” you hear about. There are narratives in press where I become entangled with many celebrities of note. After becoming acquainted with my press kit, you will quickly learn that I made someone cry me a river. I had members of the Ocean posse dancing on couches. I gave a hotel heiress $200 to leave me alone after she offered me $200 to play a song I did not want to play. I am the one who had an impromptu dj round-robin with a Kid who Rocks. All that stuff is meaningless. What is important is that I play records correctly and I have always subscribed to the same adage; I play good music and if you do not like that, something is wrong with YOU. With residencies spanning the nation, I have seen and heard it all… Well, almost. After thousands of gigs, hundreds of changes in taste, and a couple decades later, the nightlife consumer never ceases to amaze me. The days of a dj “breaking a record” on the dance floors of a “Studio 54” are long gone.
When I was asked to write for Club World, I had hoped it was a byproduct of the adult-themed journalese of yore. This was not the case. At any rate, I was glad to appropriate some StoneRokk indoctrination hoping to inform, influence, and bring some much-needed synergy between the nightclub and the nightclub virtuoso. After thousands of gigs, hundreds of changes in taste, and a couple decades later, the nightlife consumer never ceases to amaze me. The days of a dj “breaking a record” on the dance floors of a “Studio 54” are long gone. The audience is less interested in what is new, and more interested in what is familiar, which poses a problem for the jock that prides themselves on straying from the prevalent musical menu in the best interests of his audience. Once this deviation from the acceptable program occurs, you can almost guarantee a listener will impose their two cents on you. Without a nightlife etiquette handbook, the kingship of disco are becoming agents of late night decadence. More importantly, they are pissing me off.
There is a sense of entitlement that spans the entire spectrum of club goers, from A-list celebrity at their $10k table to the weekend warrior who paid his $20 cover and has his two drink stipend. The current nightclub patron, regardless of their social cachet, thinks they can make demands on behalf of the entire club. This one person feels they can speak for hundreds and sometimes thousands because they were able to cross the velvet ropes and get a taste of the forbidden fruit. I am here to tell you this is not the case.
Regardless of your self-appointed discothèque royalty designation, you were not commissioned to create a musical mosaic for the night, the dj was. Here are some examples of what not to do when approaching the musical cubical.
• The Christian Audigier cronies you run with might favor your knowledge of music, but requesting the #1 song in the country is not a novel idea. I am obviously going to play it, as I know that any departure from iTunes top songs would foster unwanted attention.
• “You used to be a dj” and “this song would work great right now” are not going to impress the dj enough to get your song played any faster.
• Sending a girl to make the request you just made 2 songs ago will only push your request to the bottom of the pile.
• Assuming that the one song you want to hear that your serving size girlfriend just re-requested for you is going to get you laid.
• Just because you’re a Hollywood celebutant and happened to stumble into a recording studio to record some musical massacre doesn’t mean anyone else wants to hear it. In addition, sending a handler over to make a request for said futile song is not going to warrant a single play.
The song request is as old of a practice as drinking eggnog is during the holidays, and some people do not like eggnog. For them the song request is obsolete. They prefer truly testing the dj’s multitasking abilities with queries for; the direction to the nearest bathroom, the location and safe retrieval of their friend Jenny/Becky/Sara/Lauren – whatever, taking a stab at manning the old turntables for a scratch or two, and my personal favorite, a pen – yes, a pen.
The approach is simple and follows an age-old ism; make your request as you would want the request made to you, whether you are asking for a song or a writing quill.
With all these requests, it’s a wonder that the dj has time to play a record. That is why, next time you are in the club and you find yourself staring at the dj contemplating a self-serving solicitation, remember this; I did not ask you to do back flips, so why should I for you?
Now shut the EFF up and dance!
- … celebrated dj
… antiquarian and curator of Freshness
I stay stacking my hyphens.